Church of My Heart

Church of the HeartA few people in my friendship circle are aware of the fact that I’m a regular depression sufferer. It’s something that I’ve dealt with for my entire adult and late teen life. Those people that don’t know this are often surprised to learn it because they more than likely know me to be an exceptionally jovial character. Like the crying clown, I put on a good show, I think 🙂

Virtually every year, there is a period in which I need to sort out my inner emotions which I do by either hiding under my bed covers or seeking some sort of counselling in the alternative healing industry within which I operate. This year has seen me engage in a course specifically dealing with feelings and emotion.

I am fairly intuitive and take advantage of the opportunities placed in my path particularly with regard to self-healing and self-growth. When I was presented with the opportunity to take the three week course, I didn’t hesitate for too long, part of me realising its worth. And worthy it has been.

It is at times like this, though, that I am a bit envious of religious folk. In the hard times, they always have somebody to talk at and vent their frustrations. All I have is the church of my heart. Whether that’s a better alternative is a bit fuzzy in my dark phases.

My depressive side reveals itself particularly when I’m not on track with my life and my ideals. Oft times I am trying to fit in and play by both society’s and my family’s rules in these periods. Interestingly I haven’t really been able to break the pattern yet. I go through cycles of trying to please and succeed within the recommended system, which I have done quite well if I allow myself into it. Unfortunately, working inside of the system depresses me greatly and I flourish better, as a personality, outside of it.

The course has helped me build a better relationship with my emotions, understanding their roles in a much more productive level. This doesn’t mean that the depression dissipates. It’s simply that the underlying core feelings have become more visible to observe and work with. This, as hard and turmoilic as it is, is still a good thing 🙂