I’ve always had a bit of a confidence / low self-worth issue. It’s deep seeded and I’ve been dealing with it since my preteens. I’ve noticed that when I’m performing in productions with people I’m comfortable with (as in I see them as my peers or less skilled and certainly not celebrity-level), I pull off super confidence. Or, at least, I think I do. People who know me well enough may see through the facade.
On the other hand, when I’m performing in brand-name shows with what I perceive as high-profile performers and directors, it’s very obvious that I’m not quite in a comfortable element (as I point out in this post).
With all that said, it’s always a nice ego boost when I am complimented on my work and skill. This is true regardless of whether that skill is performance, IT programming, or massage, all of which have been praised at one time or another by people whose opinions I greatly respect.
I’ve been feeling some of the same nigglies as last year while performing on High Rollers, judging my skill and my lack of camera and technical experience. Nervousness has resulted in sub-par performance and I’m having to really push myself internally to “not screw up”.
And yes, I totally get that by trying to “not screw up”, I’m just digging myself deeper into that hole. It’s all part of my process, I assure you 😛
Back to the ego boost, I arrived on set today to receive a number of compliments from a few crew and cast members. Not a large number. It was a total of three. Three can be a lot for someone constantly looking for approval.
Ranging from “you’re incredibly funny” to “you’re a talented actor” to “you’re so professional”, it was just what I needed to perk up and acknowledge that I am doing a good job. Knowing myself, I feel that I can do better on this production but I’ve got to keep fighting the urge to “prove myself” despite already being hired for the job. I still get a bit shell-shocked on set. And I’m still second guessing myself. Although, nobody has said anything negative, a huge part of me feels like I’m letting my directors and producers down. It’s incredibly silly and stems from my previously mentioned deep seeded worth issues.
Which means that I really do get chuffed by unprovoked compliments from top experienced actors and from crew who, I imagine, have seen it all. May they keep coming 😀