Pretty much a month into my 7de Laan job and I can firmly say that I’m not winning any accolades.
I feel like a bit of a let down. Of myself, my fellow actors and the people that hired me. It’s not that I’m not good at what I do. I’m very good at what I do. That’s why I got the job in the first place. Sure, I may not (yet!) be delivering Oscar-winning material but I’m certainly above the standard. There’s been more than enough independent complimenting of my talent to believe otherwise.
So why am I not performing up to scratch in what could be my big break role?
Nerves. And a horribly poor sleep schedule.
Juggling two jobs as I am doing now (the soapie role and an Web Programming desk job) is taking its toll on my energy. My calltime at the studio is 7:30 in the morning. And once shooting is done, I’m still filling in my 8 hours at the IT office. Needless to say, sleep is a luxury at this point.
On top of that, I’m nervous on set! I’m actually a little star-struck, I think. My head is still wrapping around the fact that I’ve serious roll with some very well-known performers. And part of me keeps wanting to prove myself to no only the actors but the directors as well. I want to say, “look, you’ve made a good choice here, I promise!”
And I feel the need to do that precisely because I don’t think I’m good enough.
Wait, what? Didn’t I just state that I’m very good at what I do? Well, yeah, sure, I am very good at acting so long as I’m not in the presence of people who’ve made a successful career as an actor.
Yeah, that must make sense.
It is true though. The confidence that I exude when performing with people that I consider my peers isn’t there with people that I’ve seen so many times on TV and, therefore, have not yet classified as my peers. And I’m slacking big time.
The added tiredness isn’t helping either. I’m not, right now, feeling like I even have the energy to pick my performance up. It’s a horrible space to be in.
But still a few more episodes to go before my character leaves the series; let’s make them count.
(Incidentally, my episodes will air from the 12th May 2012. Check them out and judge my performance for yourself.)