Working through an exercise of things I feel I “should” have or be doing in myself, I, in jest, wrote that “I should be a better me”. A seemingly arbitrary statement yet one that, it turns out, holds a lot of pent-up energy and negative emotion.
As part of my not fitting into my culture and society, I’ve always wanted to be better. I’ve always dreamed of, one day, showing the world that I truly am worth something because I really didn’t feel like I mattered growing up. I never felt good enough and always felt like I was outside of the group, the in-crowd, and just about always on my own. This was all perception, of course. Naturally endowed with a flair for the dramatic, it was far more romantic to be the outcast, the misfit shunned by the world until, one day, I do something great and the world can no longer deny my existence.
Except that one day never came. Well, certainly not to the extent that my young self envisioned. In many ways, I did grow up proving my worth and talent, excelling in my various fields. I haven’t yet transformed the world in as significant a manner as the more famous of our species, but I’ve certainly inspired and transformed lives around me. Is that enough? At my core, I didn’t feel it was. I still am not truly living my essence.
There’s still time, of course. I continue to realise and release more of my self into the world, daring to be more, to do more, to express more. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve come a long, long way from the quiet, introverted child of my youth, and there’s still so much more of me yearning to be revealed. So, you know, watch this space 😉 if you dare.