Having made this recent decision to actively engage with “bettering” my life, I thought it was useful to express how important it is to trust in the process and in the journey. This is nothing new to me. My entire life has shown what miracles can present themselves when one trusts, when one puts oneself out there and just takes the steps that are necessary.

You don’t find the adventures by sitting on the couch. You’ve got to go out the house, cross the street, do something different. I’ve always known this theory. And I’m not about to get all philosophical about what is guiding us. Be they angels or spirits or disincarnate guides or an element of our own selves, it doesn’t actually matter. I’ve no cause to even convince anyone that there are any elements with intention to help us or ensure that we are on track with our journey. I can only share my experience, in which I have had miracles presented on a relatively regular basis.

I have to simply look at the things that have happened in my life to accept and believe in synchronicity and divinity. There are a lot of adventures that have come into my world quite spontaneously and miraculous. Activities, experiences, situations and learnings that have been really important to me have, more or less, been handed to me on a platter.

My various careers, as one example, were not anything that I planned. I never sat down and thought, “Hmmm, I should go into programming. That’s a good solid job. Let’s study that.”

Nope, I studied programming (on my own, mind you, while I was still in junior school) because it was interesting and fun. I learned massage and healing therapies because I wanted to. I got into performance because I love to entertain and I’m a wee bit of a show off.

These are things that I’m good at and have had an interest in and, over the years, have honed through reading, attending classes and practice. These are things that are a part of my life that I did not know existed before they were a part of my life. It was a case of me saying yes to experience.

Aikido is another example. When a friend invited me to join a class, I didn’t say “Woah, what is that? It sounds weird. I don’t want to do that; I need to research it first.”

I just went, tried it out, loved it, and kept going back. In that same vein, there are activities, groups, and experiences that I’ve not enjoyed, and chose not to re-experience them. It boils down to, at least, trying it out. When something is presented to you, what is your automatic reaction. Mine has been to say, “sure, why not?”

Mostly.

There are many synchronicities that have guided me in my life, with one adventure leading to the next. And, despite this, I still wonder and question the journey. Let me tell you why. We don’t know what life has to offer us. We don’t know what’s on this path. We don’t know whether the highway or the back roads will be the best route to our destination. Sometimes we don’t even know what the destination is.

There have been times I have shied away, times that I have been afraid. I do ricochet between head and heart space to the extent of being out of balance. It’s useful to analyse, mentally determine whether something is worth your while, and then follow your heart. When I’m overly in head-space, I think too much, try to plan too much, and, usually, to my detriment, I can miss out.

Particularly in times like now, when I’m not sure what I should be doing, and there’s no clear cut celestial guidance, I get lost. I do what I need to, to get through the day without harming myself but I feel a sense of loss and unsureness. I get into my head and question whether I’ve wasted time and energy chasing dreams, following my heart when, for some sacrifice of fun and experience, I could have dedicated myself to steady jobs and projects that yield what we are taught is a good life. I doubt I’d find happiness in this so-called “good life” but it does offer peace of mind, something I lack from my “just trust the journey” mentality.

I realise that I would not have had the experiences, nor acquired the knowledge and skills that I currently have if I had planned my life out more strategically. I also know that I really am not much of a strategy type person. If I were ever in an army, I’d be the renegade maverick who just randomly lobbed grenades in the general direction of our enemies, much to the chagrin of my level-headed commanding officer.

And despite this knowledge of who I am and the type of life I’m more suited to leading, I live in a society that doesn’t support the mavericks and I have never had the self-confidence to cope with that. It still bothers me and I still question my own tactics that, while serving my soul, do not serve my place in society. I can’t fit in. I don’t have the peace that seemingly comes with having a stable household with a family unit and domesticated mammals. I don’t even see myself in that scenario and, yet, I question my choices and my journey. I realise that I should stop doing that. I realise that I should trust in myself and in what feeds my needs and my soul. I just really feel unsupported right now. And that kinda sucks.